Today marks a very poignant day in my life. It’s pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I experienced pregnancy loss in August 2018, and it’s one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to deal with.
I don’t want to get into all of the sad and quite frankly, graphic details, but it’s something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I never even made it to that first doctor’s appointment. I was blissfully unaware that miscarriage was even a possibility. I’ll never forget driving to the beach, where we planned to tell my parents that weekend. We discussed names and things we’d need for the baby. I was due in April 2019. A Spring baby! Little did I know, on that same beach trip, I’d begin experiencing signs of a miscarriage. Our loss happened at only 8 weeks, while fetal growth stopped at 6 weeks. It’s very easy to say “well, I didn’t have it as bad as *this person*” but loss is loss, any way that you look at it and your feelings are valid.
I wish I had sought therapy immediately after. Instead, I waited until I found out that I was pregnant with Theo (February 2019), and really struggled making it through every day. I lived in fear that something would happen. Although I was in therapy, I never connected with Theo during that pregnancy and it really wasn’t until after he was born that I connected with him because I was so terrified that things would go wrong. Post-partum depression and anxiety is real, and I have a whole lot to say about that as well.
I am so thankful that we got pregnant with Theo relatively quickly after our loss. He is our rainbow baby. I realize that everyone is not as lucky, and I recognize that every day. I’ll never forget that first pregnancy, and although we never met that baby Earth-side, I have faith that we will meet some day.
To everyone who has experienced, or is experiencing pregnancy or infant loss, you are not alone. It’s a club that no one wants to be a part of, but you will come on the other side stronger than ever before, even if it doesn’t feel that way in this moment.